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You've got problems. I know you do, because everyone does. You haven't solved them, either. Maybe you're not in the right position financially. Maybe you're not emotionally equipped to handle the consequences. Maybe you're not smart enough to think of an alternative. Whatever your situation, you've hit a brick wall and you simply can't go any further. I'll bet you wish you had someone to solve your problems. Well, guess what? That's the exactly service I am offering today. Bring your problems to me, and for a very reasonable fee, I will solve them. I solve problems. What do I mean by “I solve problems”? Go and check out an Encyclopedia Brown book from your library. Then go watch a few episodes of MacGyver. Then load up Real Genius on Netflix. I'm like all three of those rolled together. I will build you a space laser out of paperclips and bathroom cleaner, and use it to track down the tricycle that Bugs Meany stole. In simpler language: I solve problems. You may think this is some kind of joke site. Believe me, I can tell a joke, and this isn't one. I'm as serious as an alter boy found holding a bloody knife over the body of a dead priest with his pants down. See? That was a joke. This site is not. I solve problems, and I don't joke about it, unless your problem is that you need someone gut-bustingly funny around, in which case get ready to laugh yourself dead, because I will definitely solve that problem. You may think this is some kind of scam. It's not; how could it be? You pay me money and I solve your problems, which means I walk away with more cash and you walk away with less problems. That's capitalism at it's finest. There is no scam here because I am telling you exactly what I am going to do, which is solve your problems. You may think this is some kind of bizarre mafia shakedown. I don't mean I will “solve” your “problems” as some kind of euphemism for, say, beating up your ex-boyfriend. That is not what I do. I will, however, help you get over that ex-boyfriend by telling you exactly what you need to hear, unlike your friends who are too polite to tell you what they really think. I have no vested interest in being your friend. I am here to take your money, and solve your problem. You may think that I am a math tutor. This is an understandable mistake. I do not solve math problems. I solve problem problems. My apologies if there was any confusion. I have solved many problems in the past; my resume of problems solved is long and varied, and I will be happy to relate it to you upon request. For the sake of brevity here, suffice it to say here that my reputation for problem solving is secure and lauded by both well-known celebrities and the common blue-collar everyman. If you say my name to someone, anyone, their response will almost certainly be: “Oh! You mean the guy who solves problems.” Ah, I see you are doubtful. Alright, that's fair. After all this is only a random website on the internet and you have only my word to go on. Thus, to prove I am able to solve problems, I will now solve the classical "brain in a vat" problem as laid out by the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: The skeptical hypothesis that one is a brain in a vat with systematically delusory experience is modelled on the Cartesian Evil Genius hypothesis, according to which one is a victim of thoroughgoing error induced by a God-like deceiver. The skeptic argues that one does not know that the brain-in-a-vat hypothesis is false, since if the hypothesis were true, one's experience would be just as it actually is. Therefore, according to the skeptic, one does not know any propositions about the external world.Sounds like an impenetrable paradox, huh? If one is indeed a brain in a vat and their simulated sensory experience is indistiguishable from reality, then how could one ever know that one is themselves a real entity in a real universe? Heck, you might be that now, reading this page, or rather thinking you're reading this page. The thing is, even if you are a brain in a vat, the thought experiment necessarily assumes both a brain and a vat, which themselves cannot exist in a simulated reality, as that would create systematic recursion: no simulation can contain the mechanism that is itself producing the simulation. This is essentialy the same reason ancestor simulations cannot exist; any accurate model of the universe must itself contain the computer producing the model, which itself must be running a simulation that also includes the computer, and so on. The processing power required for infinite nested universal emulation is fundamentally physically impossible according to the laws of thermodynamics. Therefore, physical reality must exist for you to be even a brain in a vat, let alone a regular old human being. Thus you exist in a real universe. DID I BLOW YOUR MIND YET? Admittedly, there are some problems not even I can solve. I'm only human. I will, however, not take any of your money until I have throughly researched your problem and decided that I am able to solve it. That's the Problem Solver Promise. My fee is 25 USD per hour plus travel expenses, first hour to be paid up front. If you have a problem and would like to consider hiring me to solve it, please send me an email. If you've got the cash, I've got the solution. YOUR PARTNER IN PROBLEMS, MATTHEW W TUOZZO PROFESSIONAL SOLVER |